this is suppose to be a research paper regarding about housing shortage project

this is suppose to be a research paper regarding about housing shortage project in Maui
with 6-7 citation
Peer Feedback
What is the thesis (stated or implied is okay)? If it isn’t clear, point that out to the author. If there is a stated thesis, it should be at the end of the introduction.
The peer has been able to present a thesis statement at the end of the introduction in the first paragraph. However, the thesis statement is not clear and is framed as a reference part of the work. According to the essay that I have read from my peer, the last three lines are framed as
Identify any places where the information in the essay strays from the focus identified above. Maui’s housing shortage is only getting worse. We need to act now to be sure that Maui residents have a roof over their heads. Thousands Of Houses Are Empty On Maui. Would Higher Taxes Change That? – Honolulu Civil Beat. Although there is a mention of the Housing shortage at Maui, the peer has proceeded to explain what needs to be done to address the shortage instead of creating the reader’s attention on what should be gathered from the piece of writing. For a good and clear thesis statement, the peer needs to consider the following:
Identify the Focus of Study The topic you choose should be appropriate for the style of essay or paper you are writing. As a last consideration, you want a topic that is both specific and fascinating. What should I do? Is this something I’m interested in? Is there a reason for this? Decide what you believe Take a look at all of your thoughts and concepts (Collins et al,. 2021). Analyze the opposing viewpoints if writing an argumentative paper. Once you’ve figured out your POV, you’re ready to write your essay. Your point of view should be expressed in a single sentence. This is the main point of the essay. Make sure it reflects your own perspective and viewpoint (Khairuddin et al., 2021). Ask yourself, “Is my thesis statement intriguing to me (and my reader)?” Is there anything specific you’re looking for? What do you think?
Now focus on the structure of the completed body paragraphs
. Does each paragraph have a clear topic sentence? Is that topic then supported by evidence?
Do they follow a logical order?
The second paragraph after introduction has achieved in complete sentence structure construction and complete flow of ideas. The paragraph has a topic sentence followed by illustration on how Maui is impacted by housing shortage. However, the author has failed to indicate example of specific regions with housing shortages and the respective statistics to support the main ideas presented. The paragraph has achieved in making a conclusion from the study topic.
The third paragraph presents a stray of sentences from the media reporting of housing shortage in Maui and the move of the local to seek cheaper and better housing according to their financial capabilities. The author of the piece in the second paragraph is left wondering on the mixture of ideas without conveying the intended meaning. The third paragraph has introduction of three different ideas that can easily confuse the reader on the intended meaning of the piece.
The fourth and the fifth paragraph has a complete flow of thought in expressing the role of government to intervene in the shortage of housing and the political involvement in addressing the housing issues. In reviewing the entire piece, I can say that the peer has the points to discuss about housing shortage in Maui but has not fully presented the flow of ideas to make the reader have understanding of the points in each paragraph. Addressing this situation will require the peer to consider the following:
In an essay, a certain subject or topic is explored and explained in each paragraph. As a result, the paragraph must be written in a consistent and cohesive manner in order to be effective. Following the topic sentence and not deviating from it is essential for a well-structured paragraph. See the Write Right on Topic Sentences for a more in-depth discussion of topic sentences (Rahma & Rosa, 2021). When the sentences are linked together, they form a logical whole rather than individual thought. There are several ways to produce coherence. To begin, transitions serve as a means of tying together ideas that would otherwise be disjointed. See the Write Right on Transitions for more information. For one thing, putting thoughts in numerical order helps the reader follow along. As a last point, paragraphs can be organized by following one of the following patterns: whole to parts; question to response; or effect to cause.
If you see any areas for improvement on organization within the paragraph, let the author know.
Think about that “info sandwich”.
Is the essay interesting to you?
One thing that I have recommended about my peer is having factual data supported from credible source in explaining the main ideas in the essay. Generally, the essay is interesting with provision of essential information about housing shortage in Maui. On the other hand, the essay has managed to provide a comparative analysis to the Asian region and support the claims using valid examples and illustration of how housing problem is faced. From a glance at the paper, the reader is able to identify the study topic as well as specific facts and figures backing up the claims in the piece. This is an illustration of a flow in the essay. Generally the essay is a good piece of writing.
The ability to write excellent essay is presented as a problem following a review conducted from my peer. The first limitation to attaining excellence is limited use of transitions to introduce new paragraphs and ideas throughout the essay. The presentation of some ideas is vague and the reader may encounter three to four new ideas within the fourth and fifth paragraphs of the essay. On the other hand, the second last paragraph appears to present the thesis statement of the pieces as there is expression of this is what we need to do. For a competent essay with complete flow of thoughts, the peer needs to consider the following techniques for competent writing:
Essays written by students are usually replies to queries given by their teachers. Analyze the question first because an essay should address it directly. Check to see if you understand exactly what is expected of you. As an example, you would be diverging from the intended topic if you described another aspect of Gothic architecture, such as spires or arches. The topic of light is the sole focus of this essay prompt. In the same way, it asks readers to write on the significance of light.
While preparing for the essay, you should think about what your main point will be. As a result, you must choose an informed position or viewpoint in order to formulate a specific argument (Gump, 2022). For instance, An essay’s argument is defined by statements like these. Cohesion is achieved by offering a guiding theme and point of view for the rest of the essay.
To persuade your audience, you must employ facts and reasoning, which includes citing and analyzing relevant academic literature. The word “evidence” refers to data that can be used to back up a claim. Examples, facts, quotations, statistics, and graphics make up the majority of the content. Arguments are strengthened by reasoning. After all, it’s better to illustrate how your argument is supported by the data than merely citing it. Show how your argument connects to previous research on the subject by utilizing scholarship (citing specific works). Your position can be supported by evidence and logic from scholarship. In order to obtain a high mark for an essay that has strong, evidence-based ideas, it must be worded effectively (Sharma, 2021). A good essay can become an exceptional one with rigorous rewriting and editing. Make an effort to read your essay with fresh eyes, as if it were written by someone else.
Although you might not be officially part of the audience, you should be able to identify areas where the author attempts to reach out with personal stories, a catchy introduction, etc. Where has the author been successful at grabbing your interest and why?
In the first paragraph, the author has managed to reach out and express factual ideas based on reference made from a scholarly article. Taking for instance, the statements In a written article by Mariana Starleaf Riker writes “From an economics perspective, if you can own a second home in Maui, that’s not an essential good — that’s some version of a luxury good,” Kenna Storm Gipson, the housing policy director for Hawaii Appleseed Center for Law and Economic Justice, told council members at a meeting last month. “We have a lot of people in Maui that don’t have the essential good of a house.” Created interest for reading to understand the piece because the author seems to have a solid information to create a powerful introduction.
Using real time example is another technique that has allowed the author to perfectly express main ideas to extent of grabbing the reader’s attention. when the author says ”During the pandemic, Gov. David Ige imposed a state law where the landlords cannot evict a tenant or the property during these hard times. However, In August 2022 the governor removed the law where landlords cannot evict tenants and now tenants must find a new place to live in.” the audience is able to understand that the housing shortage in question could have been as a result of the current situation and there is need to address the situation according to the action taken in the pandemic stricken period. Another strategy that has been used by the author to attract attention is the use of statistical illustrations for understanding special issues about housing shortage in Maui. An illustration of this writing is presented in the fifth paragraph where the author says “In an article, Gordon Collins writes, Total sales of houses across the state of Hawaii in February 2022 fell 8%. while condo sales increased by 3.2% year over year. Housing sales declined the most on Maui with a drop of 14.85%. The decline was steepest on the islands of Hawai’i and Kauai where sales took a 17% and 16.2% dive respectively YoY. Home prices overall have still risen strongly with a 21.95% growth, including Kauai’s where prices rocketed 37.54% YoY. There were 596 home sales in February 2022.” With reference to scholarly article backed with special findings from the field on the study topic.
What one thing would you change for the next draft workshop, and what one thing would you leave as is? Please don’t use grammar as a suggested change, as that is something to be dealt with further down the road.
For improvements to attain the best while discussing issues in an essay, the author should consider adding the following strategies:
The title should be your first hook. Even if your first phrase is critical, keep in mind that your title is your only chance to pique the interest of your audience if they open your work or click on your link. The title is your first chance to attract the reader’s interest before you even begin writing. It’s like a mini-hook in your title. Affective language or unexpected word combinations might pique the curiosity of your intended audience.
Embrace the opportunity to put your readers right in the thick of the story. Action-packed or dramatic events are typical hooks. This technique captures the attention of your audience in two ways: first, by the action and excitement of the situation. The second reason is that by plunging your reader right into the center of the story, you’ll leave them with more questions than answers. Starting a story in the middle of it is known as in medias res in literary terminology, and it’s a simple approach to pique the reader’s interest.
Create a strong emotional bond. If your story doesn’t have a lot of action, you should think about using an emotional scene to draw the reader in. Emotional reaction on the first page can assist you connect with your reader’s empathy rather than their drive for thrills. Your reader will be more engaged in the story if they have a connection to your characters from the beginning. The use of a personal narrative as a starting point for an informational or argumentative essay hook is a tried-and-true strategy.
Make a statement that is unexpected. When you begin your essay with a remark that is a bit out of the ordinary, your readers will be eager to see how you back it up. Using a thematic statement might help the audience see your composition in a new light (Elfiyanto & Fukazawa, 2021). A statement hook, much like a thesis statement in an academic work, will pique your readers’ interest and keep them turning the pages of your book. The reader should be left with questions after reading your piece. They all have one common characteristic: They make the reader ask questions in order to keep them engaged (Tanju & Nader, 2021). The reader will be left wondering about the intentions, backstories, and more of your characters with a well-crafted hook. Starting your essay with a rhetorical device is a technique you may have studied in high school.
References
Collins, A. A., Ciullo, S., Graham, S., Sigafoos, L. L., Guerra, S., David, M., & Judd, L. (2021). Writing expository essays from social studies texts: a self-regulated strategy development study. Reading and Writing, 34(7), 1623-1651.
Elfiyanto, S., & Fukazawa, S. (2021). Three Written Corrective Feedback Sources in Improving Indonesian and Japanese Students’ Writing Achievement. International Journal of Instruction, 14(3), 433-450.
Gump, S. E. (2022). Writing Anthropology: Essays on Craft and Commitment edited by Carole McGranahan.
Khairuddin, Z., Rahmat, N. H., Noor, M. M., & Khairuddin, Z. (2021). The Use of Rhetorical Strategies in Argumentative Essays. Pertanika Journal of Social Sciences & Humanities, 29.
Rahma, A. A., & Rosa, R. N. (2021). An Analysis on Students’ Ability in Using Compound-Complex Sentences in Writing a Short Essay. Journal of English Language Teaching, 10(1), 53-60.
Sharma, L. R. (2021). Analysis of Errors Committed by Students in Writing English Essays. International Research Journal of MMC, 2(4), 27-35.
Tanju, D., & Nader, A. (2021). QUALITATIVE ADJECTIVES IN EFL STUDENTS’REFLECTIVE WRITING ESSAYS. Journal of Language and Education, 7(1 (25)), 64-77.

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